Support Groups

 

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Volunteer list

I can offer you a list of volunteers if you email me adoptiondisruptionuk@yahoo.co.uk

Facebook forums

This is a great place to make contact and private message people – you will find a lot of support on these two sites.

There is also an adoptiondisruptionuk facebook group (still in infancy but please post so we can grow our group)

AdoptionDisruptionUK

Uk Adoption Support Group

45 thoughts on “Support Groups

  1. Eleanor Robertson says:

    I am in glasgow area. I have adopted two children and one of the adoptions broke down after 6 years..felt very isolated, no support and social work just wanted to blame. No post adoption support.. and if anyone experienced this or going through now.

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  2. Eleanor Finlay says:

    Hi we handed our son back 6 months ago. We have had no disruption meeting and been told this may not even happen. Feel as if he has disappeared off the face of the earth, and not even any info as to how he is doing.

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    • Alison says:

      Yes I’m in Shropshire, happy to link up with someone who has also experienced a disruption I think it would be very helpful. Have left my e mail with Claire (founder of this site).
      Regards

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  3. Wendy Coulson says:

    Hello we live between Nottingham and Grantham, our son ran away, (not really, as he was running from himself) when he was 15. He went back into Care (no Care Order), until he was 18. He was then dumped by SS. We had no help no support nothing, I was blamed, he received no help either. Son got in contact with us when he was 17, he is 25 now, and a dad, and we still see him. I see nothing has changed then, all these years later, its disgusting. Here to help anyone.
    wendy

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  4. Jennifer says:

    Residing in Illinois. Understanding the disruption process we are a family here to help. Looking to privately adopt a sibling group or little older child privately.

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  5. Ruby7 says:

    We handed back our two after only 4 weeks with us. Nothing to do with them it was us. This was on April 30th 2015 agency offered us counselling but too far and DH not really interested in it. I’m in south London. Would love to link with someone. Thanks for this site.

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  6. Janet finucane says:

    Hi weve two adopted children, one still with us aged 17, one now 18 but who went back into care at 15. Had very challenging time, had support from a family first team. Our daughter kept running away and putting herself at risk. She’s been back into foster care and two supported lodgings – done her damnest to get thrown out or rejected each time. Just about hanging on to stay in touch with her. Her sibling very angry with her. Happy to support talk to others.

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    • Holly Stirling says:

      Hi There – your story mimics mine – my duaghter is currently running towards gangs/drugs/violence and has rejected
      Her sister is angry with her as she is happy
      Social services have tried to put her in a placement with the woman who introduced her to a girl who has had a very bad influence on her but who she idolises
      A lot of social workers dont understand adoptees and their devlopmental and attachment issues which surface like a volcano during the teens
      My duaghter has assualted us/threatened us with violence – this has all been becuase she got in with thr wrong crowd – found on the internet
      PEOPLE SEE OUR VULNERABLE KIDS AND ABUSE THEM
      Holly
      Love to all

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      • Sam says:

        Hi Holly, can you please get in contact with me, we are in the process of adopting siblings and the older one (6) is displaying huge jealousy towards her sister and being devious about hurting her (climbing stairgates, swiping out at school, lies all the time, wants to go to her foster cater ) I just need someone to tell me I am not going mad.

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        • Amanda says:

          We are in the same boat I think with an older sibling who has a bad memory and longer lived experience versus the younger sibling who has little to no recollection and they shouldn’t have been placed together – we are currently disrupting for the older child on,y and wish to keep the younger sibling – any advice or help welcomed or just to chat about similar experiences

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          • shelagh dunbavin says:

            blockquote, div.yahoo_quoted { margin-left: 0 !important; border-left:1px #715FFA solid !important; padding-left:1ex !important; background-color:white !important; } Hi can you recommend a solicitor please for court proceedings Wirral or Liverpool. My children are now on a section 20 but going to court. Shelagh

            Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

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  7. Marie says:

    My husband and I experienced a ‘disrupted adoption’ in August 2015, about 4 weeks ago. It has been the most harrowing experience ever. I would be very interested in sharing our experience and learning from others, and would be keen to set up a support group in central Scotland. We are thinking that there must be people who have gone/going through this hell, too.

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    • Helen Mc says:

      Hi Marie,
      I lived in Scotland and had a disrupted adoption, I have little positive to say about the support we received from SS as a family. We were treated as if we didn’t exist. I can’t say I can recommend adoption to anyone now.

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  8. Marie says:

    I feel even support and advice to people thinking about adopting or going through the assessment process. So much is ‘brushed under the carpet’

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    • Victoria says:

      Dawn tell me what I have to do to get the LA to listen. It’s like they all know we live with a nightmare but they’re not prepared to put their heads above the parapit to help. This boy needs to go into foster care NOW my family are at the end, everyday is like being hostage. LA don’t take anything we say seriously! Gutted really but completely desperate.

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  9. Victoria says:

    We have a potential disruption on going, no help, sw have disappeared, asking for help constantly but hitting brick walls. Other adopted parent gone and hasn’t seen the kids for 10 months plus and now I’m left with three children and only school helping as best they can. I can’t cope, had a breakdown and the child is abusive to his other siblings who are also adopted and related to him, feel abandoned. I need the nightmare to end and I need to know how I get help. Please help anyone. I live in manchester and I’m horrified that I’ve been asking post adoption for help for 2 1/2 years and still nothing!! I feel like I’m to blame but I’ve done everything but now not coping well. Advice welcomed….

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  10. Eleanor Cooper says:

    Victoria, I am so sorry that you are having such a traumatic time. Our placement broke down in July a few weeks after the adoption order was granted. Our son went back to the local authority he came from in September, where it seems that he’s not doing well either. We haven’t had any support from the original local authority despite asking for it from the beginning. We’re in South Northants but I am here if you want to talk x

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    • Victoria says:

      Hi Eleanor, thank you for posting back. How did you ever get anyone to listen to your words. We have no help and the placing Authority has simply disappeared! If the next stage of self help doesn’t work then our boy will have to go back but weve been told he’s ours and they simply wont take him, the problem is then directed at our parenting! I have two little girls (also adopted) who are a testament to the parenting skills we have, they too have issues but nothing like their big brother! Any advice welcomed. Victoria

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  11. Pippa says:

    Victoria – that sounds horrendous; I really feel for you. We have 2 siblings (brother and sister) that we adopted 6 years ago when they were 4 and 6. The older one has attachment disorder and has been a nightmare since she hit puberty at 8. Her younger brother has ADHD but is a much easier child to love. She is violent towards her younger brother, threatened to kill herself numerous times and continually steals from us and lies. It is starting to break up our family and we are close to not being able to take much more. We always said that we would not let our adoption fail but my husband has got to the stage where he wants to give her back and I am close to it. I know there are days when he doesn’t want to come home from work. When we’ve tried to discuss this with the social workers they won’t even entertain the idea of putting her back into care and tell us that we have to change our parenting with her; but did recommend that I attend a training session on how to cope with violent children in case she went for me! She’s been seen by CAMHS twice but discharged as not being ill enough. I feel really guilty writing all this but we are in need of help. I can’t talk to my friends about this as they don’t understand how bad it has got and tell me that this is puberty and she’ll grow out of it!

    We’re in Cheshire, near to Manchester.

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    • Victoria says:

      Pippa, thanks for reaching out. We understand your situation probably like most on here and we are at a loss also. I don’t know how to reach you on a personal level but I feel like more and more people are experiencing the abandonment of social services and we have to have a voice if we all get together. Its a matter of time before our little boy destroys my wife, his sisters and our home life in general but still we muster on because no one will listen to us. Surely, we must have strength in numbers. Can we speak? Nothing will ever be done by typing endless emails here, we need to moot ideas and start writing the letters and banging on doors!

      Happy to meet with you if you think we would help, we feel as alone as most yet this is more common than we think. I didn’t break my little boy his previous life did yet we’re made to feel the bad ones! So very wrong…. lets try and talk/meet/get people together????

      Victoria

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      • ABC says:

        I would suggest linking up together Victoria and Pippa, because it is the only way to fight the LOCAL AUTHORITIES – I would also suggest going public. They will not accept any responsibility for disruptions and will always use the mechanism of blame against the parent – the culture is a blame culture and unless there is an expose to reveal how they operate they will continue in this same fashion. Please do consider contacting your local MP, mine has been very supportive and to go to the national papers – I have contacts if unsure who to approach but trust me they are very interested in your stories…. Claire

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  12. Victoria says:

    We face the inevitable, a disruption is high on the need list in our house. We are all going insane. Younger siblings suffering, a permanent exclusion from school, a wife suffering a breakdown and myself face losing my job. All in all a very accurate description of life as we have lived for the last two years now crashing around us.

    What is it we have to do next? We have been legally advised but my fear is that once this ball is started we will face the same ignorance as we have for the last couple of years, denial that we have even made a call, two LA’s deciding who should take the removal step, delay, delay, delay and still apparently we will face the blame. LOST and let down. Help, advice and assistance from anyone, anywhere who can tell us how to get this underway with a swift conclusion?

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  13. M says:

    My eldest son has finally been accommodated by the local authority. We have been fighting for help for him for many years, even when he sexually abused our youngest child eighteen months ago they refused to accommodate him.
    My advice is to make a Subject Access Request to the local authority that you are currently with and the placing authority if it was different. Get all the information you can – It will be £10 well spent! Then consult a solicitor if you can afford it.
    If you can’t wait that long take the child to the local authority office and leave them. It sounds cruel and it is incredibly difficult, we know we’ve done it. Unfortunately we did not stand our ground and when they told us they could not find a foster placement we agreed to have him back for one night consequently he was still with us six months later. They did threaten us with prosecution for abandonment and looking at our suitability as parents for our other children but it got so bad we were prepared to go through it. Social services will lie and threaten you to keep the child with you but you have to be very very strong.
    A couple of weeks ago I told him to go to school and not come back, I told him to present himself to the school social worker as homeless. Social services asked me to have him back I said NO. I was prepared to move out of the house with my other children for a couple of nights so that they couldn’t bring him back.
    When your child has gone be prepared for the overwhelming emotions of loss and relief and be prepared to let go because social workers will make it very difficult for you to have any parental rights even when they are accommodated under a section 20.
    Hope this helps, I know it sounds very wrong but we stuck it out for thirteen years and we do love our son very much but there comes a point when you have to consider everyone else in the home and stop putting the most disruptive child’s needs first.

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    • ABC says:

      A very brave message. Thank you. and totally empathise with your experience of local authorities. Shocking behaviour and tragically the UK norm. When will government intervene ? Claire

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    • Victoria says:

      Outrageous and shocking! You must be going through the mire. I feel for you I really do. We have a disruption and for now another family member has taken the lead and allowed our eldest to reside with them while the rest of my family heal. However, we are no stranger to the emotions that you experience. My wife is on her second breakdown, something which could have been avoided and we too have other children to consider also.

      Let me say, that our eldest isn’t out of the woods yet. Should his behaviour not settle at the new school and in the residence of his new home then we will be returning him back to care. We have a catalogue of errors and issues with the placing authority who I might add haven’t been seen nor heard of for months, disgusting that they are quick to sell these kids as ‘without issues or attachments to birth parents’ and ‘presenting with no immediate issues’ and ‘hitting all milestones’ Quite frankly what a load of ‘sh*t’. They want to get these children locked into an adoption order so they don’t have to pay long term foster parents for them, another reason why they wont take them back without a fight. Why pay a foster parent when we can do it for free but the cost of our sanity and that of our other family members. Its outrageous. These children need specialist care and I don’t mean ‘therapeutic’ services, another buzz word of social workers. We have asked and asked for help, a baseline assessment, a clinical psychologist amongst other things and they haven’t even bothered their sorry selves to even acknowledge that at least one of our children has behavioural problems borne out of his past!

      Adoption Fund, whats that? We haven’t had a penny but we’ve spent thousands on solicitors trying to get the idiots to respond to the very basics of correspondence and what did we get, the head solicitor for the LA actually asking our solicitor to ‘remind’ them of the law in this field. I have a copy of the email to prove it!

      If I beat my children and didn’t care I would be under proceedings as we speak, I would be an outcast, if I didn’t feed and clothe and clean my children and keep my house and my job well I would be a let down to services. Guess what I’m not, my family work hard, we spend money, my kids are fed and looked after but its ok to have one little dominator in my house who terrorises everyone, stomps and throws items, swears and screams, bangs his head and threatens everyone, ruins every experience you can reward with and takes pleasure in upsetting my wife and children and I CANT DO ANYTHING. If this was domestic violence there would be a removal of the perpetrator from the house and court proceedings, isn’t this the same?

      Its not ok to wake up everyday being hurt and abused, that’s not how this should be after all these years. We didn’t break this child his past life did and I am no expert in dealing with little dominator but I need help and I’ve been asking now for so long that we will be the ones who are criticised that we haven’t helped him when in fact the services that’s PROMISED to help have sat on their fat behinds, ignoring emails, calls and cries for help from us for so long they really don’t care.

      So when I drop this child off at their offices and refuse to have him back, he will have a letter and copies of letters and emails etc to hand to the duty social worker who can make an informed decision that we have tried and its actually not us as a family that have failed him its the services that promised to be there that have. No doubt these letters will be destroyed but its ok I have copies.

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      • M says:

        Victoria, I can hear how angry you are, I’ve been there.

        If it tell you that our home is a much happier place without him, that we and his siblings miss him but don’t want him to come back and that we are slowly building ourselves a normal life. We’ve done the running away, the risky behaviours, the school exclusions, police returning him in the early hours and have been on the receiving end of his physical and verbal aggression. We’ve had him stay with relatives to give us a break, it didn’t work.

        We spent a lot of money on solicitors to no avail. We had a Specialist Children’s Service Assessment that provided a clinical diagnosis and recommendations to where he should be accommodated. It concluded that he is a psychopathic sexual predator who needs to be in a therapeutic residential placement. Guess what? Social services decided they didn’t agree even though they commissioned the work. You really cannot challenge them in a reasonable way, even their complaints procedure is a farce; you think you have a watertight complaint and they just close ranks and ignore you.

        I’m not usually one for dispensing advice, this is the first time I’ve entered an online forum, but you really are at a point when you need to make what is a life changing decision just like you did when you decided to adopt. Our son has told us since he went into foster care that he wished he’d done it years ago, he’s getting everything he wants without having to do anything for it! He only contacts us when he’s angry about something, he really doesn’t care; we thought he loved the dog as he doted on him but he doesn’t. It irritates me that we spent years supporting him, setting appropriate boundaries, giving him opportunities and investing our time in him only for none of it to matter a jot but it breaks my heart that we’ve lost him. He’s always had the lions share of our attention and we kept plugging away because we could see the potential in him, he’s a very bright likeable lad. I believe Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.

        We’re now focusing on our other children and have stopped challenging social services over his care and feel much better for letting it go, there are some battles you just can’t win. We’ve booked a holiday as he ruined the last one and are looking forward to spending quality time together.

        If you do want to carry on I suggest you make a Subject Access Request so you can see what they’ve been writing about you – I promise you’ll be livid when you see it, and ask for an Assessment of Adoption Support Need as this is how you accesses the Adoption Support Fund. These are things they are legally obliged to do whether they like it or not and it may give you more ammunition should you choose to go on fighting with them.

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  14. Janine Masters says:

    We were placed with 3 yr old twins just 4 weeks ago, they left yesterday.

    The children seemed perfect, yet when I brought up the fact that they were very aggressive, biting hitting ect, which we were never told about, the kids social worker informed us that he had been like that all along, throughout their time in care.

    There were other things we were not told about too.

    I was unable to manage the twins on my own, while my partner was in work, and had difficulty in attaching.

    Our social as so many people have suggested has insisted that it is my fault that this has failed, and that I am depressed. She also happily pointed out that my partner would be able to adopt again, but I wouldn’t.

    I am now left feeling guilty, empty, and a failure and have no idea what our futures hold together.

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